Peanuts

Narrator, 3 Scruffy guys, Curious Person, Peanuts

Setting: Building Roof

Narrator explains that these four guys are on the top of a building and looking over the edge.

Curious person: What are you guys looking at?
#1: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building.
#2: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building.
#3: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building.

"Peanuts" comes crawling up to the top of the building.

Curious person: Who are you?
Peanuts: I'm Peanuts! (Passes out.)

Bubble Gum

Announcer, Boy

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to our Camp Fire! (Boy comes crawling into area.) I say, young man, what are you doing down there?
Boy: (Looking up) I'm looking for my bubble gum!
Announcer: Well, where did you lose it?
Boy: Over there (pointing away from the fire).
Announcer: Then why look here?
Boy: The lighting is better here!

Story teller, Victim, appropriate sound effects & Helpers, raincoat, cup of water

Storyteller: I need a volunteer to take submarine training. (Put victim under the coat and hold up an arm of the coat to use as a periscope.) Now to be a good submarine captain, you must be able to use the periscope. So let's practice a bit. Can you see the fire? How about those tents? The table? The moon? The stars? (Continue until (s)he becomes proficient.) Let's start our mission. You are the captain of this fine submarine, the S.S. Kaput. You are to bring it about on manoeuvres and sink enemy ships. So here we go, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh! Here comes an enemy ship to the right! Can you see him? (Show a drawing of a ship.) Blow him up! (When he fires, sink the ship.) Good going! Now turn the submarine to port, and then to starboard (Left & right.) Oh, Oh -- there's a storm brewing. (Shake him a bit.) Do you see that Island? Try to go there to seek cover. Can you see the waves? My, aren't they big? And they're crashing against the rocks! What a big storm! Can you see it? Can you see the waves? No? (Pour the water down the arm.)

Person standing on street, 3 Friends passing by, JC Penny in underwear/swim suit only

Remember that all of the friends come from the same side of the stage, and leave on the same other side (ie. all are walking in the same direction.)

Person: Hey, Frank! Nice to see you! Hey, I like those shoes! Where'd you get them? Frank: JC Penney! Look, I gotta run! Bye!

Another friend comes up.

Person: John! Nice shirt! Where did you get it? John: JC Penney! Real nice clothes! See you!

Another friend shows up.

Person: Steve! Hey! The pants! I love 'em. Where'd you get 'em? Steve: JC Penney! Bye!

JC Penney comes running through.

Person: Hey! Who are you? Why are you running around like that? JC: I'm JC Penney! I'm trying to get my clothes back!

Flora the Flea

Performer

The performer is putting his trained flea Flora through all her tricks, explaining all her tricks as she does them. His eyes follow every flip, jump, etc. as she performs and lands back in his hand. The he asks her to jump to the ceiling. His eyes lose her and she doesn't return. He looks high and low (perhaps with the help of a friend) but can't find her. Finally he looks in someone's hair.

Performer: (Delighted) Flora! There you are! I'm so glad to have you back. (looks more closely.) But say .. this isn't Flora!

The Greatest Spitter in the World

GSITW, Partner with metal pot (with a bit of water in it) and a pebble

Separate GSITW and partner by about 15 feet.

Partner: Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you the Greatest Spitter in the World! He does all kinds of tricks with a mere spit! Let him show you the simple spit first!

GSITW sends off a regular spit, which is caught in the pot by the partner. When it's supposed to land, he hits the bottom of the pot with a secret pebble he holds in his hand.

Partner: Ladies and Gents! That is not all he can do! Watch his fastball!

Again, another spit which immediately "lands" in the pot. Continue with tricks, such as slow spit, high spit, round the world spit (in which case each turns around, backs facing each other, and the spit takes a while to come around but indeed does,) curve spit, and so on. Finally,

Partner: Now for his last spit! It's a really difficult spit but we think we have it! It's a high, quadruple axle, curvy, spring jump spit! We must have absolute silence for this one!

GSITW spits up, partner follows it up, doing 4 spins, it curves side to side, begins to jump up and down in air, then he seems to lose it .. no, there it is .. he goes side to side, trying to catch it, he trips and spills the water on the crowd.

1 Person, log (or imaginary mower), "Volunteer," Victim

Person: (Groans and grunts as he's bent over carrying "heavy" mower.) Uhh. (Lets it down.) These old models, I tell you. They are so heavy, and they don't work well. Maybe I should buy a new mower this week. Well, let's get going. (Pulls rip cord to start, but it won't start. Makes appropriate sputtering noises. Tries again and again. Maybe get a "volunteer" to help. Again, no success. Get your victim to try, and on first try, it sputters to great life!) I guess it just needed a bigger jerk!

Patrol asleep (ie. lying down) in tent

Scout 1: Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: Go back to sleep.
Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: Go back to sleep!
Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You're keeping us awake," etc.
Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: (Annoyed) Go back to sleep!
Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You're keeping us awake," etc.
Scout 1: But Scouter, I really gotta go Wee!
Scouter: (Really annoyed and exasperated) Fine, Johnny, GO WEE!
Scout 1: (Sits up, starts wiggling arms and calls out,) WEEEEE! WWWEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nosebleed

Person with nosebleed, 3 Pedestrians, 4th Pedestrian

Nosebleed person is looking down at the ground. #1 comes in and looks around, then down, and mumbles,

#1: Hmm, what's going down, man? (No answer.)

#2 walks in, does the same thing, as does #3. #4 walks in, looks up for a moment, then asks,

#4: What are you guys doing?
Nosebleed: I don't know what these guys are doing, but I've got a nosebleed!

Owner, 1st Pedestrian, 2 Friends, box

Owner: (Walking up to #1) Would you hold my box? I have to go into a store for a moment.
#1: Sure! Be glad to.
#2: (Walks up.) Hey! What's in the box?
#1: I don't know. This guy comes up to me and hands it to me. Hey! It's leaking! Maybe it's ice cream and it's melting. Let's taste it. (Taste drip) Tastes like vanilla ice cream to me!
#2: (Tastes it.) Chocolate it is, my friend. Hey Joe! Try this -- what does it taste like?
Joe: (Tastes it.) Definitely pistachio.
#1: Naw! It's vanilla!
#2: I told you, it's chocolate!

Owner comes back.

#1: Mister -- what's in the box? Vanilla ice cream?
#2: Or chocolate?
Joe: It tastes like pistachio to me!
Owner: How foolish of you guys. That's my pet dog!

Guys show disgusted faces.

4 Kids, The Viper, rags & bucket

#1: (Comes running in) The viper is coming in an hour! Hide! (Runs out)
#2: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in half an hour! Run! (Runs out)
#3: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 15 minutes! Call for help! (Runs out)
#4: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 5 minutes! Save yourselves! (Runs out)
Viper: (A moment later, with props) Hallo! I'm de Viper! Vere's de Vindows?

Person on the phone, Friend

Person: (Phone rings, picks it up.) Hello? Yes? You don't say .. You don't say .. You don't say .. You don't say? .. You don't say! .. You don't say. Bye!

Friend: Say, who was on the phone?
Person: He didn't say!

Trainer, Two People to be the Elephant, blanket to cover, 4 Victims (or 3 Volunteers and one Victim; make sure elephant knows who the Victim is), cup of water

Trainer: Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to show you the great tricks that my trained elephant can do. For instance, he can count! Spot! Count to 5! (Spot thumps 5 times on the ground.) Now I need some volunteers to help show just how very well trained my elephant is! Please, lie down on the ground with some space between you, and the elephant will do some amazing tricks! (Leads the elephant over the people and it does very well, does not walk on them at all, goes back and forth over them.) You see, it's a very well trained elephant; it won't walk on you. (Ham it up and perhaps do a trick or two. Finally, the elephant spills the water over the victims on a certain cue.) Oh, my, I guess I forgot to toilet train it!

Grandma, Grandpa

Grandma: (In old voice) Grandpa, is a train passing from the south today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the south, returns, and in an old voice,) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the north today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the north, returns.) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the east today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the east, returns.) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the west today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the west, returns.) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Good. We can cross the tracks now.

Shut Up,Trouble, Police Officer, Narrator

Narrator: There once were a brother and sister called Shut Up and Trouble. They liked to go on walks together. (SU & T are walking through the woods.) One day, they were walking along in the woods together and Trouble got lost. (T walks off; SU looks around but can't find her.) So Shut Up went to the police station to report a missing person.

Police officer: Can I help you? What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.
Police Officer: That's a bit impolite. What's your name, boy?
Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.
Police Officer: You should watch your manners, boy. What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.
Police Officer: Young man, are you looking for trouble?
Shut Up: Yes, Sir, she's lost! Do you know where she is?

2 or 3 People, cup of water, combs, Narrator

Narrator: Here are some poor, thirsty men on the desert who've been stranded on the desert for days. Let's watch.

Two or three people are crawling, calling out for water. Time to really ham it up. Finally, they see the cup of water and stagger for it, reaching out. Finally, they get to the water and,

People: Ahhhh! (Relieved -- they take out combs, dip them in water and begin to comb hair.)

Person, 3 Tie Salesmen, Maitre d'

Person: (Gasping) Water! I need water!
#1: Sir! Would you like to buy a tie? This one would look so good on you!
Person: I want water, not a tie!
#2: (After a pause) Sir! We're having a tie sale. Would you like to buy a nice tie for a great price?
Person: I'm dying of thirst, and you want to sell me a tie?
#3: (After a pause) Sir! I have these fine silk ties at reasonable prices. Would you care to look at my stock?
Person: Sheesh! What kind of people sell ties in the middle of the desert to thirsty people? (After a pause; looks to the distance) An oasis! I'm saved! (Scrambles over.) Sir! Please! I would like to buy a glass of water!
Maitre d': I'm sorry Sir, but you can't enter this restaurant without a tie.

Three or four Scouts, Cook, Tub

#1: (Over tub, tasting contents) Good Soup!
#2: Yeah, Good Soup!
#3: I know! Good Soup!
#4: None better than this! Good Soup!
Cook: (Comes running in) Get out of my dishwater!

Teacher, Kid

Kid: (To teacher) May I go to the washroom?

Teacher: First you have to recite the alphabet.

Kid recites the alphabet BUT leaves out the letter P.

Teacher: You forgot the letter P. What happened to it?

Kid: It's running down my pants!

Doggie Doo

Two friends, doggie doo

Two friends are walking along the street, perhaps having a conversation about something, talking about a movie or the latest soccer scores, when all of a sudden --

John: Hey Frank! Watch out! That may be doggie doo! Smell it to see if it smells like doggie doo!
Frank: (Smells it) Yep! Smells like doggie doo!
John: Touch it to see if it feels like doggie doo!
Frank: (Touches it) Yep! Feels like doggie doo!
John: Taste it to see if it tastes like doggie doo!
Frank: (Tastes it) Yep! Tastes like doggie doo!
John: Well! It's a good thing we checked and didn't walk in it!